Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership

As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.

Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.